Hiding My Heart Away
by finishedwithyou
Summary: And that feeling, the one about still loving her? It's becoming harder to ignore.


_I wish I could lay down beside you when the day is done_

_And wake up to your face against the morning sun_

_But like everything I've ever known_

_You'll disappear one day_

_So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away_

_I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away _

xxx

He doesn't even wanna go to this stupid prom.

What's the point in spending all this time and effort and money on something that's only going to last 4 hours anyway, you know? And he's pretty sure this prom doesn't even really matter. Like, when people look back on highschool they usually remember their senior prom rather than their junior one. But Quinn is talking about it like it's the most important night of her life, _their_ lives. So he doesn't really have a choice because she's gonna make him go either way.

If he was still with Rachel, he thinks she wouldn't make him go if he didn't want to. They could stay home, watch a movie and makeout or something. 'Cause that's his idea of a perfect night.

He stares at the tux that Quinn picked out for him hung up in his closet.

Yeah, Rachel wouldn't make him go.

xxx

He's sitting in his room trying to do his impossible chemistry homework when Kurt walks in with this _look _on his face. And Finn knows he may not be the quickest guy in the world, but right away he knows something's wrong.

"There's something you should know, and I figure I should be the one to tell you before you find out from anyone else," He pauses. "Jesse St. James is back."

His mind starts racing. Those were about the last words he expected to come out of his step-brother's mouth. He tries to say something but he can't. All he can think is _this can't be true why why why is that asshole back he better stay the fuck away from Rachel or I'll punch his face in._

He manages to get out a "why?" and Kurt says he doesn't know his reasons for being back, but he does know that he'll be going to prom. With Rachel. No. No no no.

Kurt leaves him alone.

xxx

When he confronts her about Jesse, she tells him that who she dates isn't his business anymore because he broke up with her. But she's acting like he _wanted _to break up with her. Does she forget that she forced him to? If she never would have kissed Puck then they wouldn't be having this conversation and she wouldn't be going to prom with that douchebag Jesse St. James and he wouldn't be going with Quinn. But anyways, that's not the point.

The point is that he still cares about her (still loves her, but he tries his best to ignore that) and he doesn't want her to get hurt again. And okay, maybe he is a little jealous. Or a lot. But that's not the reason he doesn't want her to be with Jesse. He doesn't want her to be with him because he's a dick and he broke her heart and he doesn't deserve her.

But he could say the same about himself, couldn't he? Yeah, he totally could.

xxx

When he sees Quinn walking down the stairs towards him, he thinks she's the most beautiful girl he's ever seen. He tells her. She smiles. He puts the flower on her wrist. She leans in to kiss him. Everything's going right, but he thinks he should feel...better. Happier. He has this beautiful girl who cares about him, who wants to be with him, but he can't shake the feeling that something's missing. It's felt like that for a while.

Once they get in the car, she tells him, "Tonight's going to be perfect. _We're_ perfect."

He's not so sure.

Beauty isn't everything, you know.

xxx

When he walks into Breadstix with Quinn on his arm, the first thing he does is scan the room for Rachel.

Maybe Quinn's doing the same, cause right after he spots he feels himself being dragged by the arm towards the table she's sitting at with Jesse, Sam and Mercedes.

He shoots Jesse the fakest grin in the world and something comes out of his mouth about eggs on someone's head and he doesn't even know what he's saying right now, cause all he sees is _her._ He can't look away. She looks gorgeous. Perfect. As always.

His heart starts beating really fast. It doesn't do that when he looks at Quinn. Or anyone else, for that matter. Only Rachel.

And that feeling, the one about still loving her? It's becoming harder to ignore.

xxx

Quinn's saying something about how she can't wait until they're crowned on stage and how great they're gonna look in all the pictures, and all he can think about is how he's dancing with the wrong girl.

xxx

He's surprised when he hears Rachel's voice flood the gym. She's singing tonight? She never said so at Glee rehersal. He didn't know.

What he does know, though, is that she's singing to him. He recognizes that look in her eyes, cause he's seen it a million times before.

He can't even focus on the girl in his arms because he can't take his eyes off Rachel on the stage.

_Don't come back for me,_

_Don't come back at all_

_Who do you think you are?_

The way she's singing it, he can tell she means every single word. And in that case? Things aren't looking too good for him.

This song seems so...final. It feels like she's gone. It feels like it's over.

He hasn't moved on. Does she know that? He pretends like he let go and that he's happy, but he's hasn't. He's not.

What is he supposed to do now?

xxx

Finn and Jesse get thrown out for fighting.

He knows he caused a huge scene, and he ruined the night for Quinn and probably Rachel too since he got her date kicked out, but what did they expect? It's not like he could just stand by and watch Jesse suck onRachel's neck in the middle of the dance floor. Like, what the hell was that? Seriously.

Jesse's starting to walk towards his car but Finn follows after him.

"You broke her heart, you know. She trusted you, and you treated her like shit. If you care about her at all you'll leave her alone," Jesse turns around to look at him. "You don't deserve her."

"And you do?" Jesse spits back. "Cause from what I understand, you slept with another girl, lied to her about it, broke up with her and then started fucking Quinn Fabray."

Jesse falls to the ground when Finn punches him in the face, and his hand is throbbing but it feels good. _So _good.

"Stay the fuck away from her" is the last thing he says before he walks away.

xxx

Brittany's having an after-party at her house and he figures he could show up if he wanted to. Quinn would probably ignore him, or worse, bitch at him in front of everyone. He decides all of that can wait until tomorrow. So yeah, he's not going to Brittany's.

xxx

Quinn texts him the next day and asks him to come over. He knows where this is going.

It's a little awkward, and he doesn't really know what to say, but he figures "sorry I ruined your night" is a good start.

He expects to get yelled at for a little while, so he's surprised when she doesn't waste any time getting to the point. "Do you love me?"

Woah. He pauses, and then a "yes" slips out, which is the truth. Despite everything, he does love her. Just not in the way she wants him to.

"But you're not in love with me," she nods. She knows. It's not like she couldn't see this coming, "like you are with her."

And well, what else is there to say to that?

xxx

He drives over to Rachel's house and texts her _hey, I'm outside... _He figures he has a better shot at just showing up than he does at asking her if he can come over.

After a few minutes she steps out the front door and onto the porch. He walks up to meet her. It's quiet.

How is he supposed to start this conversation? He says the first thing that comes to mind, "You looked beautiful last night."

She ignores the compliment. "Why are you here, Finn?" She sounds tired. She's looking everywhere but at him.

"I wanted to see you," She sighs and closes her eyes. Can't she just look at him? That's all he wants. "I'm sorry, Rach."

"You know, you say that a lot. But you continue to do the exact things that you apologize for. So what are you sorry for this time, Finn?"

"I know you're mad. And you have every right to be. What I did was stupid, but I wouldn't take it back. He deserved it, Rach," He _did _deserve it. Doesn't she see that? He's just trying to protect her. "and yeah, I was jealous. I'm a selfish asshole, but I couldn't stand to see you with him. It's not right."

She shakes her head, and looks up to meet his gaze. Finally. "You think I don't feel that way every time I have to see you with Quinn? That's exactly how it feels. But I-"

He cuts her off. "Me and Quinn broke up." Probably not the right time to tell her that. But yeah, he kinda had to.

He guesses it doesn't really matter to her right now cause she continues talking. _Oh. "_But I deal with it because I want you to be happy. You don't want me to be happy? Is that it? 'Cause this isn't fair."

How can she say that? Of course he wants her to be happy. That's all he wants. He just wants her to be happy with _him _and no one else. Is that such a bad thing?

"I do want you to be happy. Of course I want you to be happy," he reaches for her hand but she pulls away. Why does this have to be so hard? "I was trying to support you and let you be happy, I swear I was. But then you sang that song. And it freaked me out. It scared me."

"Why?"

"'Cause it felt like I was actually losing you. Like, for real. And I can't handle that," she's looking down at the ground again and he lifts her chin with his fingers, looking into her glassy eyes, _"_and I know I don't get to say stuff like that 'cause I had a girlfriend when all of this was happening. But my heart was never with her, Rach. Never. She was just a distraction."

It feels good to finally admit it to her. To _himself._

"You can't keep doing this to me, Finn," she's crying now. _Fuck. _"You're breaking my heart."

He's not trying to. Somewhere along the way he started hurting her, without even meaning to, and now he doesn't know how to stop. But he's _trying to stop. _And that should count for something, right?

"Rachel, I-" He starts, but she shakes her head and holds up her hand.

"You should go."

"I don't want to."

"_You should go." _She repeats again, and she starts to back inside.

Why can't this just be easy? He knows he doesn't deserve easy, but this is so much harder than he thought it would be. Just like _everything else._

She's walking away from him, and he doesn't know what to say. What can he say to change her mind? He has to fix this. He lets her walk away, for now.

He'll fix this.


End file.
